Achieving Greater Things That Scare You In The Midst of Self-Doubt

There are moments when self-doubt is louder than ambition and dreams. It whispers that you're not talented enough, intelligent enough, experienced enough, brave enough, good enough or in my case, eloquent enough to express myself and complicated topics in a foreign language. It convinces you that everyone else has something you don't. If you've ever felt like you're fighting your own mind more than the challenges in front of you, you're far from alone.

The truth is, self-doubt doesn't discriminate. It visits nurses before even receiving endorsements or doing rounds or even at the very minute of waking up, entrepreneurs before launching a business, artists before sharing their work, athletes before stepping into competition, beauty queens before stepping on stage and students/ test participants before taking important exams. It can make even the most capable people question whether they deserve success.

To be honest, when the specialized training to become a Heart Failure Nurse Specialist within the European Society of Cardiology/ Deutsche Gesellschaft von Kardiologie was offered to me, I politely declined at first because I knew that I wasn't qualified enough for this kind of undertaking in my career. I knew that even my Deutsch may have improved a little to withstand spontaneous conversations, it was not good enough to provide health teachings to patients over the phone, far and it was from fluent to explain pathophysiologies of diseases accompanied by drug interactions, let alone to defend a thesis presentation. Let me tell you, it took me almost an hour to press that call button on the phone because I was always scared to do counseling to my patients but somehow as the conversation started, it was then smooth sailing until the end.

Sometimes we do not realize that fear just exists in our head because we are hard on ourselves.

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Before anyone else could underestimate me, I was already the first one who underestimated myself and I was my first foe and critic. I had thoughts like, "They'd probably laugh at me or they'd probably think that it's such a huge joke for my head nurse to have appointed me to join this training." Do not worry, I myself had the same thought. I could not count on my fingers how many times I felt dumb and incapable and questioned myself why I was even there. This is NOT humility but it's an honest feeling that I really had at that time. It took months of sacrifice, sleepless nights, so much anxiety and while others were just studying lectures in Deutsch, I was studying lectures twice to several times. I had to study most of them in English then watch the German version because there were many deep terminologies which I did not fully understand. I had to double my effort, had to write them and squeeze every detail carefully to not miss the context of important topics because if native speakers also had a challenging time understanding some topics, then I had it 2-5x harder because I learned this language just 5 years ago. But I kept praying and while crying, I kept pushing through because I had the pressure of being a Filipino and carrying our flag even if it may not be seen or it may have not seemed so and I felt like carrying every young Filipino's dream of achieving bigger things but were deprived of it because of many reasons like poverty, responsibilities, etc. and my drive to pass was stronger because my family and I have lost so much over the years and I could not afford to fail them as well as the younger version of me who did mutliple sidelines to survive since I did not come from a rich family and everything has to be worked hard for.

I had to win this battle for them and for that younger version of me who also never stopped dreaming and working hard. And let me tell you, after passing that 'one-hell-of-a-ride' series of exams in Deutsch, I was somehow grateful that I did not give up on myself. Maybe people just romanticize and see the beauty of the outcome but never really know how much it took to be able to achieve such kind of leveling up.

Through God's grace, I passed all the exams and I am now a Certified Heart Failure Nurse Specialist in Germany and could practice it as well in the EU. On my certificate, my city and my country are written on it. Yes, it may just be a piece of paper but that dwarf in me who worked hard to earn it could not believe it. When my name was called in the giving out of certificates, it felt super surreal and I felt like I was waving an invisible Philippine flag to say that even if we come from a country where corruption ruins chances of having a better life, we can still rise and make it abroad despite the language barriers. That even if we cry, we fight fairly. I mean, it may be nothing to many, but for someone who has a crippling inferiority complex and who grew up in a small town in an economically struggling country with zero heirloom and zero connection to people who can get me to shortcuts to higher positions or to better pathways, this one matters to me so much. I went home after celebrating, broke down and cried in gratitude and offered it to God. Before I was always hesitant to give myself some credit for what I have accomplished since it may be interpreted as bragging or being arrogant but this time, I want to take this space to also honor and recognize my hardwork. I think there is nothing wrong with it right? I dedicate this as well to my beloved father and grandparents who raised me but have left this Earth already.

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I do not give the credit to just myself but rather also to the people who helped me, my friends and sister who checked on me during the times when I was hanging on a very thin lining between going insane and wishing to just not exist at all, to my patients who were also kind to me and who trusted me with their health condition and cooperated most of the time, to my head nurse to have had the audacity to bet on a small and short Asian immigrant like me whose Deutsch was not even close enough to the locals and whose voice does not even contain the slightest tone of conviction enough to be listened to, to my medical director in the cardiology unit for being my tutor in the training and for editing my thesis and emailing it to me before midnight despite all his emergency surgical procedures, to all the kind German classmates I met during the training who also patiently assisted me, cheered me on, gave me compliments when I thought I was not doing anything right and helped me when I was feeling lost, for chatting me and asking how I am feeling etc. and above all, to God whose presence I felt most especially when I presented my thesis. To be honest, I felt like He took over the stage and spoke everything in Deutsch for me because I was not knowing anymore what the F I was blabbering about in front because of so much fear and anxiety. I tell you, I almost bloody passed out girl. Lol Even during the oral exams, I felt God's presence since I felt like even if the questions made us all nauseous to some extent, I was able to answer them in a way where I felt like I really knew the answer. That, my friends, is what we call, divine intervention. For if God is with you, who will be against you?? I am a living proof of this.

I am grateful to have been a part of my patients' recovery process although heart failure is not something that could be healed. It is a creeping disease. The goal was to maintain or improve their quality of life through ensuring that they take their medications religiously, motivate them to join appropriate physical exercises, and that they do regular visits to their doctor to have their bloodwork, ECGs, Echocardiograms checked or have their medications examined/paused/adjusted/changed depending on their body's reaction to them. They will forever have a space in my heart. I wish them well. And to my future role in the healthcare, I still feel overwhelmed and slightly agitated about what to expect I carry God's enlightenment and guidance with me so that alone consoles me.

Here's another unsolicited information I'd like to share. I did all of those while I was depressed, while I was anxious, while I was doubting myself a lot, while I was heartbroken, while I was exhausted, and while I was emotionally tormented and crushed. Grief and heartbrokenness were resurfacing like unwelcome guests in the wee hours of the night and they woke me up at 2-3 in the morning but even if I was crying, I still wrote my thesis, I still showed up, I still called my patients with quite a shaky voice, I still found reasons to feel better, I still danced, I still studied, I still worked, I still went to birthdays of my friends even if I could not conceal on some days how broken I was inside. I wiped my tears and stood up again. I still cracked jokes while crying. Man, may you allow me to clap for myself? Oh God, I would never want to go back to that very dark place in my life. I am glad, I pulled myself out from that phase. I am not yet fully healed but it's safe to say that I am at a better place now.

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Anyway, going back, one mistake many people make which I also did, is believing they need confidence before they can take action. In reality, confidence is often the result of action—not the prerequisite for it.

Every meaningful achievement begins with uncertainty.

Think about the first time you learned to ride a bike, spoke in front of a crowd, or started a new job. You probably didn't feel fearless. You felt nervous, unsure, and vulnerable. Yet you moved forward anyway. Growth has always lived on the other side of discomfort. I guess, one thing which also helped me was my solo travel experience wherein I was forced to solve problems alone on unfamiliar streets and places during mishaps. In addition, my life was full of challenges and I lost a lot along this journey. The kind of losses which did not just break me but let me kneel and weep like there's no tomorrow. When someone hits rock bottom several times in life, maybe the fear does not go away but it gradually gets lowkey downsized. I was thinking somehow it could not be worse than all of what I've been through.

Self-doubt becomes dangerous only when it decides your future. There's a significant difference between hearing the voice of doubt and obeying it. The first is human. The second is optional.

Many of history's greatest innovators, leaders, and creators admitted they questioned themselves. They worried about failing, being criticized, or falling short of expectations. What separated them from everyone else wasn't the absence of fear—it was the decision to continue despite it.

One powerful way to quiet self-doubt is to stop chasing perfection. Perfection is an impossible destination that keeps moving farther away. I was never a perfectionist. I allowed myself to make mistakes. I cringe but I also laugh at them. Maybe I am just a different kind of crazy.

Progress, on the other hand, is always within reach. Each small improvement, each lesson learned, and each challenge overcome builds evidence that you are capable of more than your doubts suggest.

Another important shift is changing how you view failure. Failure isn't proof that you lack ability; it's proof that you're attempting something worthwhile. Every setback contains information. Every mistake teaches a lesson that success alone never could.

It's also worth remembering that comparison is one of self-doubt's closest allies. I am guilty of this in a way that I often think I'm the lousiest in the room. I knew that looking at someone else's highlight reel while comparing it to their behind-the-scenes struggles creates a distorted picture. People don't see the sleepless nights, rejected ideas, or moments of uncertainty. Most of the time, we only see the finished product.

Your journey deserves to be measured against your own progress—not someone else's.

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Perhaps the most remarkable thing about courage is that it doesn't erase fear. Courage simply says, "I'm coming with you anyway." The people who accomplish extraordinary things aren't always the most confident. Often, they're the ones who refused to let doubt make their decisions. But this was not my case ok? But I could say even it was not extra-ordinary, it was definitely a huge milestone for me. When I try to look back, I could not stop telling myself on the mirror, "Oh look at this province girl whose home was taken away from her and her family in her home country. Who would have thought that she's slowly thriving in a country where English is not the main medium of instruction/communication and is now able to buy herself and her family a house thru her hardwork? Finally, she's reaping the seeds she's sown." Thank you Lord. Oh my god, I'm low key crying while writing this on the plane. My heart is grateful while listening to Billie Eilish and the lights were dimmed for the passengers to be able to sleep since it's an 8-hour flight but here I am wiping my tears while writing this. Such a cry baby.

Let me tell you even if I do not have the right to (*giggles*) Your dreams have to matter to you despite the uncertainty, that's enough reason to keep going. Take the next step, even if it's a small one. Write the first page. Send the application. Launch the project. Ask the question. Begin before you feel completely ready.

One day you'll look back and realize that the voice telling you that you couldn't was never the voice that determined your future. Your actions did.

Self-doubt may accompany you on the journey, but it doesn't have to sit in the driver's seat.

Great things are rarely achieved by people who never questioned themselves. They're achieved by people who kept moving forward anyway.

So if you have a big dream, DO THE WORK even if you are scared. I'm talking about CLEAN work. Pray hard. Act on it. Take that offer even if it feels daunting. You'll never know if you won't try. It's okay to have a bunch of self-doubt while still believing in yourself that somehow you might make it. With hardwork and God by your side, NOTHING is impossible. I am rooting for you! May God bless you and your heart!

P.S. Thank you so much for everyone who made it to the last sentence of this blog. I appreciate you all.

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